I hate what makes you happy
by brenslow
Summary: When the love of your life doesn't love you back, it can be painful. (crossposted to AO3)


Lucy sat at her usual spot at her team's table within the guild, a half smile on her lips as she watched her friends bicker like usual. Natsu flinging peas from his plate like a child - possibly the only reason he had Mirajane add them to his plate - at Gray, while the ice mage tried to ignore both the peas and the water mage clinging to him.

"Gray - you're naked again," Erza's tone was threatening, her fist slamming on the table and bending the fork she had in hand with her thumb. She lifted it to stare at for a moment, a small frown forming as she then bent it back into shape - then returning to her cake.

It was such an unbelievably typical day, Lucy felt a pang of boredom at the scene unfolding before her. As the ice mage and dragon slayer started to physically butt heads, she decided it was time to move. She headed towards the bar and sat in front of Mirajane, offering a sweet smile to the barmaid.

"Mira, can I talk with you for a moment?"

"Of course, Lucy. Just give me a moment, Gaj ordered another plate of metal so I just have to bring that to him - then I'm all yours," the end of the sentence trailing off in the singsong voice that was the demon.

Lucy had to shake her head at the idea such a sweet woman had a side to her that was beyond terrifying. Adjusting on her barstool, she sighed. She had no idea where to begin when Mira came back, and surely if she worded it wrong the barmaid would get the completely wrong idea. Did she even have an idea? Not entirely, if she were to be honest with herself in the slightest. An inkling of dread settled in the back of her mind and before she had a chance to think much more, the barmaid was back.

"Alrighty, Lucy. Spill the tea, what's on your mind?" A small quirk pulling at the demon's lips; the perfect balance on her expression between devious and caring.

"I'm not sure I know where to being, Mira," Lucy let her gaze drop to the wooden counter top, letting her fingers trace the rings around a knot in the wood absentmindedly. A drink was pushed in front of her, smelling lightly of vodka, and overwhelmingly of orange juice.

"A screwdriver, because screw it. Just start from the beginning, love,"

With a sigh, Lucy tipped the glass of orange juice back, downing most of it in a few gulps. "You know I like Natsu,"

The barmaid responded with a simple hum, indicating she'd heard but urging the blonde to keep going.

"I just don't get it though, I thought he liked me too,"

"Oh, dear. Lucy…" the barmaid seemed to hesitate for a moment, unsure of what to say next.

"It's fine, honestly. Mira, it's your sister, I don't expect you to actually know what to say to help me without bashing her,"

"You two are great as best friends, would make even cuter babies. Lisanna and Natsu – I don't think any of us expected them to be truly in love. They were just children when… when Lisanna died. I'm sorry it is like this Lucy,"

"You don't need to apologize, Mira. Lisanna is amazing, sweet, funny and kind and it's no wonder Natsu couldn't help but fall back in love with her," Lucy let her gaze drift back across the guild hall to where he and the ice mage had started fighting not long ago; noting Natsu was now seated next to Lisanna and they were giggling about something, his arm around her shoulders as they leaned over the table and seemed to be staring at something.

A spike of envy at the sight made her bite her lip, only because it wasn't her. On one hand, she was genuinely happy for her best friend –– that woman there, beside him now was the first to ever make him happy, in the way Lucy wanted to. He deserved it after all. On the other, that envy planted a seed of jealousy that threatened to grow into hate at times; as much as she wanted to deny it.

A wave of anguish started to set in on top of it all, a tight feeling in her airway that was making it harder to breathe the longer she stared at the two. She loved them both so dearly, she loved Natsu even more than she should, but it didn't stop the pain.

Mira could see the pain wash across her younger friend's face as she watched her best friend, and her younger sister interact. When Lisanna had come home, it really didn't take long for the two to fall back into old some older habits; balanced with the fact Lucy had become the man's closest and most reliable friend in the years Lisanna wasn't there. Lisanna too, loved Lucy to death as a sister, if not one of her own best friends. Lucy was too kind of dislike for any reason.

In fact, Lisanna almost didn't try to pursue the residual love she had for the dragon slayer because she had been worried that Lucy would be offended in some way. Of course, when Lucy found this out she set things clear that she had no claim on the dragon slayer (as much as she wanted to), and that ultimately it would be his choice and she would promise to never harbour negative feelings. Yet, here she sat, jealously and regret coursing through her veins and she tossed back the last of the screwdriver Mira had made her.

"I'm starting to wonder, if maybe all Natsu ever saw in me was a resemblance to her,"

"Lucy, you know that's not true. He loves you, maybe not the same way you love him, but he does care for you. After everything he's done, you couldn't possibly think it would all just – _poof_," Mira snapped her fingers for added effect, "Disappear the moment he romantically involves himself with someone," her tone sounding a little more stern than before.

"You're right. I'm just upset,"

"And it's okay to be upset," the slightly stern undertone now gone, and the barmaid once again her smiling self. "If you weren't, I'd be worried," she reached out a hand to the blonde, giving her shoulder a quick and tight squeeze. "You'll be fine, dear,"

"I hope you're right," she had hoped talking to the woman with the best relationship advice in the guild, would help – and it did, even though it didn't crush the empty feeling in her soul right then. "It's just, what if I never love someone this way again?"

"Love is a mysterious thing, Lucy. You never know, you could end up loving someone even more one day,"

"I don't know if I want that, Mira. If loving someone can hurt this much, I don't want to love anymore than this,"

Mira was silent for a moment, pondering the blondes words and for once at a bit of a loss for a response. "Well, then maybe you just need to find someone that kind of pain could be worth. Natsu isn't worth it for _you_, he's your best friend and I think, ultimately, it wouldn't be worth the potential of losing that relationship in itself. You two have your own special bond, and I believe it would break a lot of our hearts if you two couldn't even be friends anymore,"

She did have a point: there was no one in Lucy's life quite like Natsu. Sure, her team cared for her as well and would always find their ways to be there for her when she needed it, but Natsu was always above and beyond. Her best example would be when he pulled out the entire Rainbow Sakura tree – _and the ground around it _– and sent it floating down the street canals to her apartment so she could see it still, despite being horrendously sick. If anything ever went wrong between them in a deeper relationship sense, she feared it would damage their natural friendship.

She sighed, thoroughly exhausted after what appeared to now be a few drinks and riding an emotional rollercoaster with the barmaid feeding her those drinks. "I don't know how I'm going to pay for these drinks Mira, I don't have much jewel after the last job– "

"Don't worry, Lucy, it's on the house tonight. My gift to you," the maid winked.

A smile finally broke out across the celestial mages features, "Really? Thank you so much Mira. I think I need to head home though, I want to take a solo job tomorrow,"

"Alright, Lucy. Safe walk home, we'll have a fresh list of missions on the board by 7am! Early bird gets the worm," she winked yet again. Whenever Lucy wanted to do solo jobs, Mira always had the best requests in mind and tended to hoard them for her if anything; she new Team Natsu caused a bit of stress for the blonde mage, with their… destructive tendencies. The perfect mission was already at the bottom of the pile, and when Lucy came in she would be the first mage to see it.

"Thanks again, Mira. You're the freakin' best!" She waved goodnight to her friend, before exiting the guild. Taking in the fresh air she sighed. It had been humid earlier in the day, but most of the summer heat was gone now, with the sun beyond the tree line but not quite over the horizon. What little heat did remain was what was left on the concrete and pavement, creating a weird sensation of incredibly warm feet (her flip-flops that day being fairly cheap, she could feel the heat radiating off the pavement earlier but now it was cooler finally, and more bearable), but slightly chilly arms.

"I'll be fine. I just hate… that what makes you happy isn't me…" she sighed, staring up into the sky and smiling at the stars that were slowly becoming more and more visible as the sun sunk deeper and deeper.


End file.
